The Third Option

In 1956 at 24 years of age, I was moving into the parsonage of the First Baptist Church in the city where I had graduated from college three months before. As I was carrying things into the house a professor from the college walked back-and-forth with me telling me that his wife was having an affair. Ready or not and, without my intention, I had become a counselor. I do not claim that title. I think all I do is companion people and, at that time, I'm not sure I was even a companion. All I knew how to do was just listen.

For some reason I do not understand people have always told me their problems. As a teen almost every date I had ended up with the girl telling me the trouble she was having with her boyfriend. So, it seemed natural for the professor to tell me about his wife and for that kind of thing to became almost a full-time job from that first day.

At first it really wasn't a very big deal. Most of the people came with some kind of theological question or wanting to discuss some Biblical concept and I was able to give them the normal, “read the Bible and pray” response you would expect from a Baptist minister. Reading the Bible and praying became almost like the old “snake oil” cure for me, it was supposed to be the answer for every problem.

Then one day a friend of mine who had been to see me three times murdered his wife with a baseball bat. Suddenly I found myself walking with a person guilty of murder and helping him decide who would raise his eighteen-month-old daughter. At the same time trying to minister to both families who happened to belong to churches with no pastors at that time. Suddenly my “snake oil cures seemed rather inadequate.

Then a professor at the College, who I consider to be one of the finest Christian women I have ever known, told me she was lesbian. At that time, I had no idea such a condition existed. I knew almost nothing about male homosexuality, and it had never dawned on me that females could be homosexual as well. As a young pastor I had no idea how I was supposed to respond to that information. As a pastor, was I supposed to expose that? But as a friend I didn't want to do anything that would impact her life in any negative manner…I am so grateful, to this very day, that I did nothing, and that my relationship with her never changed.

As these kinds of experiences continue to grow in numbers and the “sins” became even more serious I was faced with a tremendous dilemma. I was raised in a world with only two options when someone did something wrong. If I did not condemn the wrong, then I was condoning sin. So, I spent a great deal of time wondering if I was going soft on sin. Wondering if I really had what it took to stand up or stand against the wrongs of the world. Doubting my own commitment and the depths of my own faith.

The struggle continued for several years until finally I felt I had to have some answer or a concept that allowed me to feel free to help folks without thinking I was compromising my morality.

I began to study the life of Jesus again and I realize that, somehow, He knew how to be against a wrong or a sin and yet love the sinner. He found a third option. He was constantly criticized for the people He loved. Matter of fact, one of the reasons they killed Him was they did not think He could possibly be the Messiah because He ran around with winebibbers, prostitutes and tax collectors. They basically killed Him because of who He loved.

That led me to do a search for a third option. There had to be a way to respond to people without either condemning or condoning. After a long struggle I came up with my own personal third option. I emphasize it is my personal third option, I do not claim that this is how everybody should think or feel. My third option: I determined to never take a stand against a sin until I had accepted and even loved somebody doing that very sin.

As a result of that option when homosexuality came out of the closet in America and became a hot issue, I met a young homosexual man in a city where I was speaking. He told me that he was gay, and I told him that I was very interested in that and wanted to understand it. After he got over the shock, he asked me if I was serious in my desire to understand what it meant to be gay. After I assured him that I was serious, he asked me if I would go out with he and his partner that night, and I readily agreed.

We went to dinner at a restaurant where many of the homosexuals in town ate. We visited a pub and then went to their apartment where they told me their story until three o'clock in the morning. I was astounded to learn what it meant to be gay. At the time it seems that no one really had any idea about what caused homosexuality and certainly no idea about what it was like to live that lifestyle. At that time, we thought gay men were the result of a strong mother and a weak father; neither of these two men had that experience. Matter of fact nothing that I thought I knew about homosexuality applied to these two men. I left there that night with a deep sense of empathy and love that has continued towards homosexuals to this very day.

It seems my third option doesn't end up kicking or condoning, it ends up accepting and loving. Then I faced the dilemma of “Well then do we just ignore sin? What if these people are wrong and you failed to tell them or stand up to them?” I realize if everyone was like me, I guess the world would go to hell in a handbasket. But I also know that there is no shortage of people in the world to tell other people that they are wrong. If I don't tell them, somebody certainly will. There is no shortage of people telling people they are wrong; the shortage is people loving people even if they are wrong.

To me the discovery of a third option is one of the most wonderful and important decisions of my life.

Making that decision set me free. I am free to respond to people just because they are people. Not having to stop and wonder if what they do is right or wrong, or if what they believe is correct or incorrect, or if their lifestyle is something I approve of, left me free to love.

That freedom turned my natural curiosity loose and I have spent 65 wonderful years trying to understand people and I find that to be more intriguing and more exciting every day. I have attended AA meetings trying to understand alcoholism and alcoholics without judgment or pity. I am trying now to understand racism from the Black perspective, and bumping my head against the wall trying to understand fanatical political stances in a polarized world. That curiosity keeps me alive as I face my 89th year.

The third option became the basis for my education. I don't have many degrees, but I feel like I have a master’s degree in the University of Reality. Most of what I know I know because I've listened to the stories people have shared. As a joke I often say that the secret of my success is that I never let ignorance stand in my way, just because I don't know something doesn't mean I won't write a book about it. The truth is I've written somewhere between 35 and 40 books in such areas as grief, listening skills, caring for aging loved ones, and retirement and am currently struggling with another book. None of those books are there because of any vast intelligence or wisdom on my part. Almost every one of them was inspired by listening to stories. There are several books on grief because the stories I heard lead to the discovery of new wrinkles in the grief experience that demanded to be written. The books on caring for aging loved ones likewise are from sitting with families struggling with the pain and guilt of long-term care.

That freedom led me to spend most of my time for sixty-five years listening to people. Outside of a very brief time when I had no income, I have never charged for my time. It would be a sin for me to do so. I get so much from the experiences that I should be paying folks for their time. To me there is no greater joy than giving loving and accepting ears to hurting hearts.

I believe that we cannot help people until we know where they are, and we cannot know where they are until they tell us their story, but no one tells their real story to prejudiced ears. Closed minds and judgmental ears lead very lonely lives.